AC 006: The Vital Step For Greater Self-Esteem
Summary
One of the foundations for a great life and great relationships is strong, healthy boundaries. Over the years I’ve worked with clients, this topic has come up regularly. Personal boundaries are very much bound up with both self-esteem and self-respect, which are vital in fostering caring, supportive and respectful relationships.
Some fortunate people are taught early in life how to establish good boundaries, to know what behaviour they’ll accept from others and what behaviour they won’t. They are clear about their core values and don’t allow others to dictate terms.
But for various reasons most people have not learnt to form, communicate and enforce healthy boundaries. Over the years I’ve seen two main types of poor boundary keeping. What’s interesting here is that a person can move from one type of poor boundary keeping to another depending on the boundary that’s being challenged.
In this week’s episode we’re talking about the two types of poor boundary keepers, where understanding which one you are and why can begin the process of dealing with difficult situations where your boundaries are challenged in a calmer and healthier way.
Then we’ll go on to discuss the hardest part about having boundaries in our lives and why mastering this skill can completely transform your life and relationships.
END SUMMARY
Full Transcript
One of the foundations for a great life and great relationships is strong, healthy boundaries. Over the years I’ve worked with clients, this topic has come up regularly. Personal boundaries are very much bound up with both self-esteem and self-respect, which are vital in fostering caring, supportive and respectful relationships.
So, how do we go about setting up healthy boundaries? That’s what I am discussing today.
INTRO MUSIC
The topic of Boundaries is so huge that in our About Courage Program it makes up a whole Module, but there are a few concepts to understand and some steps you can take right now to start on the process of healthier boundaries.
Some fortunate people are taught early in life how to establish good boundaries, to know what behaviour they’ll accept from others and what behaviour they won’t. They are clear about their core values and don’t allow others to dictate terms.
But for various reasons most people have not learnt to form, communicate and enforce healthy boundaries. Over the years I’ve seen two main types of poor boundary keeping. What’s interesting here is that a person can move from one type of poor boundary keeping to another depending on the boundary that’s being challenged.
As we identify the two types, think about how they relate to you:
Firstly, there’s the person with obviously weak boundaries who says ‘yes’ to everything and everyone. Time after time they put themselves last. In most circumstances, they are more preoccupied with pleasing others than honouring their own wants and needs – if they even know what they are.
Then, on the other hand, there’s the person who fiercely defends their boundaries. These people are often regarded as having great boundaries because they are always saying ‘no’ and protecting their own time and space. But the truth is that when a person has strong, healthy boundaries, they don’t have to be aggressive about supporting and protecting them. They do it with grace and a sense that their boundaries need to be honoured. To them, it’s like saying that gravity exists…so do their boundaries. When a person has to kick and scream about their boundaries, they may not be ultra-clear about them or feel ok about enforcing them, and that is why they seem to defend them so strongly.
Most people aren’t completely clear what their boundaries are, and only know what their boundaries might be once they have been crossed. Take some time to identify what you feel comfortable with, to know where you draw the line on things that matter to you. Not everyone is going to like your boundaries, and that’s ok. The most important thing for you to realise is that it’s whether YOU feel comfortable with them that matters.
In my years of working with people, I’ve seen over and over again that the great stumbling block is enforcing boundaries. Even people who are clear about their boundaries, and clear in theory about what they will accept or not accept from others, can have difficulty speaking up. Think about your response if someone speaks to you disrespectfully…..if someone crosses a line physically….if someone asks you if they can use your toothbrush, ‘just this once’. You might remember times when you felt you simply couldn’t say ‘no’. These are instances where your boundaries have not been honoured either by yourself or by others, and enforced.
When I say “enforce your boundaries” it may conjure up images of being aggressive, overly assertive, or even hurtful. This is not how it has to be, and in fact, when we learn to enforce our boundaries calmly and lovingly, it can deepen relationships and build mutual respect.
How can you become more confident to draw the line in the sand and express what you are willing and not willing to put up with?
Given the time and space to think about them, most of us know what our boundaries are in most situations, but the idea of putting them out there to be judged is somehow so difficult. And I get it. Most of us, deep down, really want to feel as though we belong. Enforcing boundaries threatens this belonging because we are saying that “What I want and need is more important than what you want and need.” Most people don’t like this one bit. Especially if you have been a “Yes” person your whole life. If you now suddenly say “No” it could ruffle a few feathers.
So, how do we overcome this obstacle on our way to have strong, healthy boundaries?
The thing that often comes up is that it feels selfish. That by putting yourself first and somebody else not first you are in some way going against a natural law. Well, the first thing here is to take the heat out of the term “selfish”. Always putting yourself first and never doing anything for anybody else is NOT what we are talking about here. We are talking about you figuring out your own wants and needs and placing them firmly at the top of your list of things that must be honoured today, and every day.
Saying “No” to someone is not the end of the world. And if they kick up such a stink because you are looking after yourself then there is a bigger problem here. If you have a boundary, which is basically what you will and won’t put up with, and somebody is flailing their arms and saying that you are selfish because you are looking after yourself, then my advice to you would be that they have a problem. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with them as a person, but this treatment of you is not alright.
The tricky thing about enforcing your boundaries is that you have to be ok with other people enforcing theirs. That’s often the case with a group of people. The unspoken rule can be that nobody in the group will enforce boundaries. If one of you suddenly decides to, the dynamic of the whole group changes and there might be a period of upheaval. But this is a good thing. We all have boundaries, we all have the right to have them honoured and respected and the only way that is truly going to happen is if we calmly and respectfully enforce them.
So, where do you start?
This is a complicated topic and there are many facets to it, but the very first place to start is just to recognise your own boundaries. Get to know them. Nobody else needs to know about them just yet. This is just about you forming a stronger relationship with your own boundaries. A simple way to become clearer about your own boundaries is when your “justice emotions” are activated – such as anger and resentment. These emotions tell you that you see something as an injustice, and often underlying this is a boundary of yours. Uncover it. Get to know it. Be clear about what it is in its simplest form.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that a friend of yours spoke to you in a way that made you feel hurt and disrespected. Before you react, before you do something that you might regret, just sit with that feeling. Why did what they say make you feel this way? Was it the words that they said? Was it the tone in their voice? What’s your best guess?
Now that you feel clearer about why you feel the way you do about the interaction, how could you speak to them about this in a way that feels kind and respectful? Remember, if you feel disrespected, the worst thing you can do is to treat them with disrespect in return. This second step is an important one and it is keeping the ideal outcome in mind. How could you discuss this with them in such a way that honours your boundaries and honours theirs? You aren’t going to act on this just yet. You are just formulating this conversation in your mind. Think it through. How would you start the conversation, how would you word things to get the best outcome, and how would you like the conversation to end. This is just about you becoming more comfortable with the idea of having boundaries. The more natural it becomes, the easier it will be to honour them in a kind and respectful way. Have fun with this. Remember, boundaries are awesome, and they are absolutely key to happier, healthier relationships.
If you liked this video then please like it and share it with your friends and family.
As always, live courageously.
OUTRO MUSIC
